Sigh~!
Joshua is d closest brother that I had...
Whenever I'm sad, or have some problems...
He might give me the solution...
But few months ago, before PMR...
Suddenly he told me that he can't be my brother already...
That time, I was like cracked...
I lost a place that I can tell everything...( not include my daughter )
Firstly i tot its hav something got to do wid his gf or he hate me or smtg...
Now I only know that he scare he fall for me...><
Sigh~!...
WHY EVERYTIME I LOSE SOMEONE CLOSE TO ME BCUZ OF LOVE??
I hate losing someone is close to me bcuz of love...i realy hate it...
Juz hoping everything could be bek like last time....

Now i'm in YMCA's hostel...singapore...
First time in my life...i went for a trip....dat i keep hoping i could faster return home...
Shit...>< i miss nicholas...I miss my sister, Jeannie which is another pig...oink oink...
NOw i'm hungry...but d hostel hav nth to eat...T.T
I want to cry...real cry....
I miss nicholas...and worried about him...
TOday morning he smsed me and told me that he have fever and keep vomiting...
Nicholas, please dont have something serious...
I have a dream before..
I dreamt that nicholas died...
I saw him in d coffin...
After i awake...I cried for half an hour...
If he have something this time...i dunno wat will happen to me....

Today happened alot of things luuu~!
First thing, I and Zie Yang get back as brother and sister....
He is the PPDa = Naib Pengerusi
Today I open the room to help Ho Phin and Alan~!...
Then he and Kok Hua, Ming Hui,and so on....
The thing is I very regret is I used to let them do anything they like to the room...
Until now, I ask them don't simply rearrange the stuff...also don't listen...
I have to go to the last step...shout at them and shoo them away....
This step is my most cruel step...
Next year, I hope Jia Wei as the QM can help 'jaga' the room properly!
Maybe I have changed...I want to make PPDa successfully...

Second, Nicholas went to my house today...
He went to surf net and teach me Chemistry Chapter Two...
I have learn about Atom and Ions...
The formula and so on....
I feel it is quite intersting....
Then he talk with my mom alot of things...
Asthough they getting closer~!
I was happy...and I and him getting closer~~~~~

But then, the third thing is...
My daughter, also my soul mate...
Mad at me...
Because when Nicho came to my house...
I didn't chat with her....
Its hard for me to find a time to spend with Nicho...
Specially when next year he is going to sit for SPM....
I have to appriciate the moment that I still have....
And now she is mad at me....
She say that I choose love over the relationship with her...
I can chat with her everyday, from morning to night...
But then I can't spend time with Nicho like the way I spend the time with her...
I feel very sad and heartbroken...
She is my soul mate, a very best friend of mine, and my daughter...but yet she can't understand me...

Now is 1.13pm, Monday, 09 November 2009...
Later Nicho is coming to my house to search some SPM stuff...
I was kind of shock because my mother allow him to come to my house...
My mother "pilih kasih" T.T
She damn like Nicho... I kind of jealous nia!!!!

Now i sick liao...T.T
Cough and flu....
And yesterday i kena eye infection, Red Eye!!
And...I got a new PC...yippy!!
Most of all, I got a better graphic card... yeah~!!!!!!!

After PMR, can say that I langsung didn't go to school...
This year my attention record surely have many " eggs "...
XD!!!
Almost everyday chat wid Boar = Choi Foong and Bear = Chun Wei...
Damn funny... I n Boar keep on teasing Bear...
He kena 99 from both of us...XD
Three of us kinda form a group nia...wakaka!!

Last Friday, I went to Bukit Gasing and safely come bek...
Luckily got Jia Wei become my human stick...
He lend me his hand to hold on..
If not, I think my butt sure swollen...><
But I got almost "terseliuh" T.T
Then...CCy kena da most..
He got pushed by Eman many times...
Haha...got 1 time almost lost control in the water...wakaka!!
DAmn funny!!

At last Nicho's exam is over..
But then I n him dunno wat relationship
Mayb I shud wait n see...
Before make any decision...
Surprisingly that i dont really hav anything talk about him...

Now I preparing backpack for tomorrow...
Tomorrow going to Bukit Gasing with my buds...
I hope I wouldn't meet something dirty...
Actually i have any stuff to say..
My life everyday is the same...
Bored...
But then this Saturday, maybe going Sunway Lagoon...^^

I don't know why today i very emo...
Maybe because of Nicho or something...
I broke up with him again...
Haiz...I don't know what to do!!
He got send msg to get me back..
But I don't know that what should I do...
Because I know that he will repeat the same thing in future...
In this case... is not just his wrong...
I have to bear some responsibility...
Like my daughter said, I should be patience..
Give us space...
But i don't know when I gonna learn that....

Arh~!
I'm feeling that I'm breaking into pieces and parts..
I really don't know what to do~
Nicholas have final exam...
I know he study...
But then, i don't know why..i feeling sad...
I feeling that I'm doubting him~!
Why~!
Can't I just relax and wait?
Am I reall that stupid and useles??

Yeah! At last, PMR IS OVER!!!
Well, I think I sounded very happy...
But then, I'm not...
I feel weird about me today!!
Maybe I get the sickness from Nicho!!
I don't need to study, I feel uneasy...well,hell!!
I feel something is missing...
Or maybe I too miss him or what gua...
But very uneasy today...aiks~!
Too bad that I not sure taking Science or Art stream...
So I can't study now...wooo~!
But then, now i start studying chemistry...
Eventhough I take art stream...I will take that subject..
I feel I'm changing...
Changing into a bookfreak!!
Eh, not really..
I think is study freak~!
T.T
all bcuz of the damn Nicho~!wuwu~!

Today is the 3rd of PMR...yippy!!
Somemore 2 days, I'm gonna fly...
Then maybe november or december start study pure science...
I determine to take pure science...
I darn bloody hate ekonomi asas,mpv or bla bla..grrr
But then, if I choose pure science...I gonna work as hard as a cow....MOOOOO!!!
I'm serious....=D
Yesterday almost argue wid my mama...she keep on ask me take accounts...
Yea, I know accountant is kinda good job...but then, it doesn't mean I have to take it...
I don't even really like account for god's sake...
How am I going to survive two years mainly on accounts?? aiks~
But then, I hope that my science get A in PMR...if not, I guin to accounts liao geh...
My mom will hav the excuse...darn it~!!

Today PMR paper is GEOGRAFI~!!!
Well, I used to hate it~!
But then, now kinda enjoying it...have no idea why...
But is too bad la...I started to enjoy when I going to form four...
Although I like it...I not guin to geo next year XD
I ain't dat stupid~!

Now Nicholas sms me everynight...
Although he keep say want study bla bla bla...
I just buat x tau...wakaka~!
Bad gf orhx~!

My baby boar got boar flu liao...
New kind flu~!
Haha....I have a impression, sort of imaginary la...
She is a clumsy boar..wakaka~!

Lovely Day Ahead

Now is 8.02a.m which I suppose to be in the school either walking around with Alan or chating with 6-1 kings...but then, here I am! blogging at home...XD
Today is the fifth day i didn't go to school.. TERTURUT-TURUT...
Lucky I study in SB, my class teacher don't really care actually...XD
But then, if i study other school, i will go school study ( kinda good stud uh)
Haha....but I skip schools is not just to sleep...
I did my revision until 2 - 3 am...
and how am I going to school if i sleep this kind of hours?
Its a bad habit that I could only focus and concentrate if I study late at night...aiks~!!

Just now I woke up at 6.20a.m ( yea~! )
To sms my beloved Nicholas ( I know is gross calling him this because I also kinda shiver XD )
But then, I told him that I love him so much then bla bla bla....usual sweet stuff ( P&C )
Then he say he want me....hehe...
Thats is his usual way of saying sweet stuff and kinda less sweet then usual,
but then its kinda enough for NOW...
if other time he only say like this...he gonna get a "merajuk" Kylie...
that time will be "ho ho ho"
So I am very very very glad that he is back...part of it ( not da body parts *.^ )
I was soooo worry yesterday....kinda can't concentrate....
then when to bed early~! to have a nice dream~!!!
I wish I could express how much is the feeling to him
( Baby Choi, dun jealous ya~! U are not replaceable )
But then, the sentence ~ I LOVE YOU~ seems like not suitable for me...
Because my feeling is not just I LOVE YOU~

Last time, when I was with F.R... I could easily express my feeling just by I LOVE YOU bla bla...
If Nicholas, eventhough I say hundred time or I love you very much or alot...it seems like never enough~!!
But then, I never say I love You forever..
Because I stop believing forever shit~!
I ain't not finding a life partner ( not now only *.^ )
I just wanna now to be happy with him..thats all...
But if I could end of with him, it could be my blithe...

Aiks~! PMR IN 2DAYS~!
Need blessing and all~!
B.M on Wednesday~!
aihz aihz aihz~!

Now is just 3 days before PMR...
I used to worry about it...
Now i don't...not anymore...
Its not that i confident or what...
It is Nicholas...
He changed...because his exam is coming soon...next week...
He changed into the opposite of him...
He being rude , scolded me which he never do that to me...
Firstly i thought that his love toward me is changed too..
But then, today when both of us on the phone...
I know that he still love me, as much as last time...
Yesterday he being rude to me...then I couldn't take it..
I told him that U will regret for this..
Then I didn't reply him whole the whole night and today....
He knew what is happening...what he did wrong..
Today in the call, he said sorry...
When I heard his usual voice, not the serious mature voice,
my heart start to feel soft and warm to listen to a familiar voice..
A voice that I have love so much...
He promised that he never be rude to me...
I trust him that...
But now, I just scare that after exam which is 30 Okt...
Both of us will change....never be the same...
I'm afraid to lose him...
I'm tired of losing people...

Now is 2.12a.m and I am so darn happy...
I feel like jumping here and there!
Just now like usual days i doing revisions...
And when I do trial paper SBP science paper2...
I could'nt believe I could almost remember all the answer and get 49/60 !!!
Nicholas keep ask me to do until memorize the science paper 2 answer...
I keep telling him that no way I could memorize but now I CAN!!
Darn darn happy...I change it into percentage and I get 83% highest in three years learning in high school science!!!
I feel sooo happy....
I know this might not really a very happy thing
But to me , it is a big success and a big hope for me to get A in PMR!
At least I can fulfil Nicholas wish!!!

But there are sad thing too...
Nicholas have teeth pain!!!
He must in a real pain because I called him, his voice changed and look like very uncomfortable!!!
I'm so worry bout him and have a heartache!!!
But now I'm hell happy!!! =D

Arhh!
PMR is coming in next 2 WEEKS!!!2 WEEKS!!
WTF ( sorry nic, vulgar words came out ! >.<" can't help it! )
Time is like fast forward!
I still remember that i have been thinking when early of the year ( aiya, PMR is on Oktober, long way to go! >.<")
Aihz....I hope i can get 7 As'!!
Just now on the phone, Nicholas gave me tension again! arhh!
He said he know i can get 7 As, bla bla bla...
My mom also told me that this morning!!!
I going to go crazy!!!
Oh ya! just now I study myself and now i know akaun imbangan duga, perdagangan and untung rugi..
One more account to go, akaun kunci kira kira!

Still have around 21 days to PMR...THE BIG DAY
I just hope that it come faster so that i not need to worry anymore...
This few days I keep on concentrate in Science...
And I sort of having cold feet now!
Today I didn't go to school again...wakaka...=D
This month my school got bengkal PMR...
It is bored and sort of useless..
Teacher gave us question, do it then discuss...
They should teach us back those form 1 topics....
So i rather stay at home and sleep..wakaka...

About Nicholas...
Well, I don't know what happened to him...
He damn sweet to me...
He care me alot...
He look like I keep wishing for...
Iszit my dream come true?
By the way, I have learnt something..
In anything, can't use force...
It will bring bad effect...
Nowaday, when Nicholas is busy...
I just leave him alone...
Last two days, he say that I very considerate and obedient...*blush*
Then yesterday he say that I very understanding and he love me even more deeper... * blush*
So i know how to win his heart already....keke....

Yesterday I and Nicholas went to Jusco...
He help me to choose good revision books...
I can see that he really want me to get 7 As' in PMR...
Honestly, I want to get 7 As' is because I don't want my parents and him to be disapointed..
If none of them have the hope on me...I doubt I will work hard for 7 As'!
In Jusco's Popular, I bought a Science book by Utusan Harian ...
And he choose a SPM 117 Karangan Terpilih for me..
He say that I should by SPM level essay book...
I can get better marks on my karangan and also can prepare for next year...>.<

I had a very very good new...
My wish had came true...
I have been number two in kedudukan kelas for 2 years..
2 years being under someone shadows...
This Percubaan I got number 1! At last !
I were sooo happy....
My mother is happy too, I can see that...
And if I get 7As', I think she will be even happier...

I hope my PMR wish will come true too!!

PMR is coming soon...around 3 weeks more....
Now I more focus on Science , Geo , and KH...
Because this three subject that i can't get A for Trial.. T.T
I don't know how to do properly in Science..
My head seems like anti-Science..
This will confirm that i won't take Science stream next year...
Well, my Trial result quiet memuaskan, more than my expectation...

BM - 76
BI - 75
Maths - 77
Sej - 83
Sc - 64
Geo - 67
Kh - 72

I just hope I can get 7 As' in PMR so that I won't let my parents down and also Nicholas.

About Nicholas,
We more and more stable...
Actually there is nothing to say bout us,
Because I busy with my Pmr and he busy with his final exam..@..@
So we hardly argue ( good thing )
And he very bertolak ansur with me...
I feel i'm bad because everytime, he is the one bertolak ansur with me...

Last Saturday night,
I had a worse nightmare,
I dreamt of Nicholas was dead...
I went to his funeral, and i saw him in the coffin...
All this exactly the same with my grandma's funeral...
In the dream, I have a feeling...
A feeling that how could I survive if Nicholas is not here anymore??
Luckily after that i woke up, firstly i thought it was true!!!
Then i check my hp, i saw he sms me...^^
Then I cried out... Because I scare that something bad will happen towards Nicholas...

I'm silly!!

YEah!

Yeah! Tomorrow i going to Cameron Highland...
The last i go is to attend a wedding...that time freakin cold...
I hope this time would be the same...
This week tuition got double class...@..@
5 hours per day, can you guys imagine that!?

Trustin Myself

All this while, i thought i were a barrier for nicholas...
Example, when he wants to study...i will be there sms him and distract him...
But everytime i told him my feelings...he will say that it is his blithe...
Because i find him means i care him and love him...
To have a girlfriend that care him alot is a kind of happiness...
But i'm stupid...i don't believe that...i always thinks that he said it because he don't want to hurt my feelings....
Then recently my daddy ( wai yin ) told me that if his gf always find him...it is his blithe...
Once he said it...it struck my mind that nicholas used to told me that...
I feel horrible of myself...i feel myself stupid...
I feel i very unreasonable towards him...but yet he still treat me that good...( apart of not spending time with me )
I want to have another change to repay him back...but do i have the chance and could i do it??

Today nicholas sms-ed me...
He told me that his final exam is coming soon ( after PMR )
He said he need to study...hope i could understand him if he not able to reply me...
I feel that this is a time, a chance to repay my guilt...
I want to be a good girlfriend to him....i want to be his happiness...
I don't want to be his shallowness, his saddess...

After breaking up with nicholas...
I feel that i have one thing with him...sort of a string that pulling me towards him...or attract me to him...
It didn't make me sad but it make me feel happy because he love me...
I feel that i have his love is the best thing i ever had...
I don't know if there a word that can explain my feeling now....
And each and every minute passes...i will think of him and miss him alot..
The love that i have toward him is different then what i have with Fong Rong...
It can't be discribed...
This love is not pain nor sweet...It brings a weird feeling, a new feeling to me....
And i'm glad that i could experienced it....
I don't know whether that i love nicholas alot or not...
But i just sure that my love toward nicholas could be compare to my love toward Fong Rong...

Is this call soulmates??or true love??

Lol...i stayin at home 4 dis whole week..
yeah yeah yeah..but its tooooooooo bored..
thn mom kip askin me study 4 pmr...>.< sienz!!
percubaan de result oso gud ok ok...
KH = 67
Geo = 62
Sej = 83
Maths = 77

nicholas quite guai dis week..XD
i lurveeeeeeeee himmmmmm!!!!

mmm...ytrdy Christopher ask me b assistant editor..@.@
wat a surprise...cz i jz join 4 few months...mayb jz 2 months...
n i cn b dat...damn...
thn...i told maleni..she say y i kip holdin pose...
such as i hold pengerusi 4 unit ppda since i were f1...k.ajk t3 4 seni kreatif..
mmm..i hav no idea y..

shock shock...pks ask me luv him...but i luv nic oni..
so i hurt him,i think...
it is difficult 4 me 2 4get nic...
try imagine u luv a person 4 3 years...
thn u cn easily 4get dat person anot!?
=(

intervensi update =
sej - 80
geo - 63
sn - 62
maths - 85
bm - 80
kh - 53

ytrdy i went 2 mid valley...b4 i go thr i hav a breakfast wid my mom n sis...
at d pokemon noodle hse..thn i go watch transformer...
damn nice n funny...i lurve bumblebee!!!...especially whn he cry...hehe
but d twin car (green n red) n d bad doggie oso quite Q...

but diz tym i watch diz movie...i dun rly enjoy..
my mind is thinkin other thing..
bout nicholas...aihz... rly dunno wat 2 do...
it cz me din eat 4 d hule day since 9am...

evenin i went 4 buffet at Hotel Amanda..
2 celebrate my sis registration...
i think cz i hule day din eat thn suddenly eat heavy fud..
i kena gastric...kns...
but dat time i was sms-ing nicholas...
i told him dat...he care me...
it make me hapi...4 d 1st tym in 2 days...
thn i went bck home slp..
cz gt cough n gastric...feel like in hell!

Intervensi - geo - 65
sej - 83
kh - 45

ytrdy night...b4 i slp, i think of nic...
whn i fal asleep...i dream of him...
its like a nightmare 2 me...i jump up and wake up..
then i think of him agn...thn i slp...it repeat agn n agn...
wat is happenin 2 me?iszit i rly luv him?
or like kenny said, in my heart stil hav him dats y i cnt jz let go easilly...
i rly sufferin...jz nw watchin transformer...i think of him too...
i dunno dunno wat 2 do....

Intervensi marks - geo - 65
sej - 83

broken up

great~i broke up agn...
dat bloody bastard nic told me everything oso are lies!!!!!!!!!!
fking asshul!!!!!!!( sori 4 vulgar words cz i damn fkin angry)!!!!!!
i rly rly regretted!!!!!!!haiz...
say anything oso uselss...
i dun wn 2 say wat happen cz i dun wn 2 rmbr it...
cn said dat i runnin away...or smtg...but i rly dun wn 2 rmbr it..
i dunno whether jz nw i hapi is real or i jz blufin myself...dat i dont love him and hapi dat i dump him...i dunno...i startin feel sad...

tada~ 2dy i din go skul agn..heh heh~
my throat so uncomfortable~ sobsob~
mmm...ytrdy i n nic said 2 each other dat v wil try 2 hav a fresh start agn...
means without those unhapi memories...i hope i cn du it...>,<

aihz...
y evytym i go out wid nic , i surely wil b sad or angry!?
y cnt i jz hav a nice time wif him?
y cnt i enjoy d moment wif him?lyk i wif F.R laz tym?
iszit i dun rly know him?dun rly understand him?
or i jz different from him?
aihz...
i almost break up wid him ytrdy..
but whn d laz minute...my heart is wishin he 2 hold me bck...
lucky he did...>.<
i dun know wat shud i do?do i love him?
i wish i could go bck 2 d paz...
whn i haven start wif nic and i love him secretly and cn chat wid him openly...

aihz...i gt sore throat...few days flu and cough..nw sore throat...wtf!

My turn...T.T

Now i suppose 2 b in skul studyin...
but here i am...writin this blog...^^
Ytrdy i went 2 c a doc...i gt flu...
Common flu nt H1N1..^^
He gav me d medicine..make me so weak..
No energy...so i rather not goin 2 skul today..
Yippy~'

My relationship with Nicholas cnt say is improving...
But oso cnt say is getting worst..
I think v stuck edi...>.<
Somehow now i thinkin...
He rly luv me anot!?
Or m i rly luv him!?
Arhhh..wateva ba...i lazy think jor...heh heh...

Next week exam...EXAM EXAM EXAM!!!
but not PMR la...jz normal INTERVENSI 3...
haiz...hopefully i improve nt goin down...
If nt, i wil b d one goin down 2 d coffin... T.T

Sick...Pain....

mmm....
my dear, nicholas kena food poisoning...
whole morning kip sayin pain...
kinda worried bout him cuz he always oso kena de...
i asked him 2 b kful bout wat he is eating...
but i think he jz thinks dat i'm singing... = (

Canteen Day ^@@^

Today is my skul canteen day...
I helped Pn Pauline 4 d wedges 's store...
Originally, d ppl dat guin 2 hlp is me, Pui fen , soo voon n kenny..
Laz minute, 3 of em bck out...
So i asked Chan wai , wei siong n see tho hlp lu..
V had a good time...rly gud time...
especially me n wei siong...cz both of us fried d wedges...
While v fried, v talk bad bout Pn Pauline... =D
Then, d sales is quite gud...
All sold out...
But i damn tired...
I come bck n take a long nap... XD

Thn i n see tho went into d ghost hse..
1stly i tot is scary...but it turn out funny..
i n see tho kip laughing but v oso gt scared by some of d "ghost"
hehe...thn i knock d table...my elbow blue black jor...hehe...
overall this year carnival is SUCKS!! bored lyk hell

Ytrdy is d hari temu bual...
I went n chat wid Cik Zalina...
I asked bout my pretasi in form 3 since she teach me since i was f 1..
She said i improved alot...in attitude n studies...
I mur serious in my studies...
I guess i hav 2 thank 2 nicholas...
He is d 1 hu make me serious in studies....

Time Passes

mmm...time passes rly faz oo~
so faz i broke up wid F.R edi 1 month...
mmm...i edi stop thinkin of him...
but i cnt deny dat i stil luv him abit...
nw is skul holiday...tmr start skul jor...haizz
i hate skul alot...with those bitches and bastard...
i rather stay at home..sleep...

Thn my class partner, Ho Phin...
V got closer n closer...she gt prob wil come find me...
btw, i dun rly know her laz tym..heh heh...

Ytrdy ngam ngam oni kind of fight wid GK...
he is an asshole..stupid asshole..
nvr think of ppl feelin...